


Who you are

by omgbellamy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Apocalypse, Confrontations, Death, End of the World, Episode: s04e10 Die All Die Merrily, F/M, Family, Friendship Lost, Gun Violence, Sad, Siblings, bellamy is emotional, clarke needs to get her shit together, post 4x10, primefaya, they need each other too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:48:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10821201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgbellamy/pseuds/omgbellamy
Summary: episode 4x11. Clarke finds Bellamy and Bellamy confronts her about her decision regarding the bunker. He's not happy about it.





	Who you are

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm back after a huge lack of inspiration for bellarke! This season's writing has been a bit off with them, because they haven't been given a huge number of scenes like in previous seasons. However, I feel like with the climax with 4x10 there's going to be more angst - more than 3x05 I hope. Enjoy!

He wakes up disorientated and confused. When Bellamy opens his eyes, all he sees is a dark room and the chair he's been placed into. He looks around frantically, searching for Octavia. Then he sees her. Clarke in the corner talking with Jaha about something.

He stands up, panicked and confused. “Where's my sister?” he asks, voice surprisingly even. Clarke and Jaha exchange a look. Bellamy furrows his brows. “I said. Where's my sister?”

“Bellamy,” Clarke begins, voice weak, “She-”

“She what, Clarke? Where is she?”

“She's still up there. Clarke looks at Bellamy, blue eyes soft. She never wanted to do that but she had to. Praimfaya was coming and she couldn't let her people die. She couldn't let him die.

Bellamy stands up immediately as his adrenaline kicks in, rushing towards the door. Clarke grabs him, and he yanks her arm off. “What did you do?” he demands. “Why am I down here, Clarke? I have to go back up there!”

Her face changes. Her expression hardens and she says, devoid of emotion. “You're not going anywhere.”

Bellamy stares at her, eyes wide and then his anger seethes up. How could she? How could she do that knowing Octavia is up there either dead or alive? Knowing that some of the 100 are up there – Raven, Miller, Monty, Jasper, Harper, Octavia and Kane. Their people. 

Bellamy gets close to her, anger rising to the surface. He can't control it when his sister is concerned. The relationship he was beginning to rebuild now left at nothing. At a what if. “You can't expect me to stay down here not knowing what happened to my sister!” he yells.

“Bellamy,” Clarke begins, but he interrupts. No. she can't justify this. He can't forgive her for it.

“No,” he says, cutting her off, “I am leaving and I am getting that door open.”

“Bellamy, if you do that we'll all die. Listen to me. Please don't do that. You can't.” 

Bellamy turns back around, incredulous at her hypocrisy. “You closed the door! You already doomed some of our people to die already! Our friends, might I add! Raven! Octavia! Jasper! Monty! Harper! And Kane! Our Chancellor, Clarke! Even the Grounders!”

“I did what I had to,” Clarke says as a ways of defense. She prays he understands. Prays he, as her partner can understand the burden of leadership. Understanding that she bares it so they don't have to. “You don't know what would have happened. They might have killed us, Bellamy.”

Bellamy shakes his head. He knows Octavia. He knows that if she's still alive, she would never have just abandoned everyone up there. He gets it now. She is a Grounder. She's as much a part of Trikru as she is of their people and she'd never abandon them. “Octavia wouldn't let that happen,” he says determinedly. He looks so betrayed and Clarke feels her stomach drop. She'd seen it before when she'd left him, but never this bad. The look in his eye is haunting.

“I couldn't take that risk,” Clarke replies. She remains further away as Bellamy shakes his head at her, chastising her.

Jaha chimes in, “You should be thankful, Bellamy. Clarke saved your life.”

“My life means nothing if I don't know what happened to my sister!” Bellamy rages and Clarke flinches. She's seen Bellamy angry before, but he's seething now. He's angrier than when he thought Echo killed his sister and she can't blame him. She'd rather he hate her and be safe than let him die in Praimfaya after everything he had been through.

“I am getting that door open whether you like it or not,” he tells them, running off out of the room and through the bunker.

Bellamy finds the bunker itself is like a crypt – like a maze within a crypt. Everything is high-tech and polished with complete furniture and lots of space. Their people mingle around, some heading to their new rooms and others still standing, unsure of what they should do. Bellamy can't even appreciate the fact that he's safe – not when the one person in his life isn't here to enjoy it with him. They were making progress before the battle. He was determined they'd meet again, was so certain with everything his sister had been through and her warrior spirit that she'd find a way to beat them.

It takes him a while, but he finds the stairs leading to the entrance door and he ran up to it. The door is sealed shut, as he expected and he didn't even get a chance to attempt to open it before the sound of a gun clicking makes him freeze.

He turns and his heart shatters when he sees her. There she is standing there with a pistol in hand aiming it at him, small hands shaking as she fails to keep the grip. 

“What are you doing?” Bellamy asks, surprised by the cracking in his voice. 

“What I have to do,” Clarke says mechanically. He's floored. Bellamy always knew Clarke was one who bore the pain for their people, but he never expected her to go to this level. She was losing sense of who she was, Clarke Griffin who was compassionate and determined to save everyone but would never voluntarily risk her own people for it. 

“Clarke,” he says pleading, “You don't have to do this.” Bellamy finds his own hands shake as he holds them up in surrender. He doesn't dare to take another step. 

“I do,” she says, voice cracking. 

“You don't. This isn't who you are.”

“You're wrong. This is who I've always been.”

“No it isn't, Clarke. Listen to me. You're not Wanheda or whatever the hell the Grounders call you. You're Clarke Griffin. You're my friend, my companion and you're a good person whose been fucked over. You've done the things you've done to protect our people. I know the feeling, but you can't use that justification to decide whether people live or die.”

“I'm not the same person I was when we first landed. That girl died in Mount Weather. I was trying to save you, Bellamy.”

“I don't want to be saved, Clarke,” Bellamy says. He's so tired of fighting himself that he would gladly give up his space in the bunker if it meant someone else, someone worthier, could live in his place. “And you're not the same person, fuck, none of us are, Clarke. But you're still good. You still have your humanity.”

“I don't know what humanity is on this planet. There's nothing good left. It's just war after war after war. So many people die pointless deaths, Bellamy. Wells, Finn, Lexa, Lincoln, my father...and for what? For Praimfaya to wipe us out in the time span of two months?”

“We had a plan,” Bellamy says. “We had a plan to decide who survives and you jeopardized it.”

Tears begin falling from her eyes. “I did what I had to do,” she repeats and her hands begin to shake even more. And then finally she lets it. Hysterical sobs erupt from her and her whole body shakes. She manages to keep the grip on the gun.

“I-I couldn't take the risk, Bellamy,” she stutters, “I couldn't do it.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy whispers, “What risk?”

“You,” she sniffs. “I couldn't leave you up there.”

“You didn't give me a choice,” Bellamy counters. 

“No,” she agrees, “I didn't. But I don't regret it. You should know that by now: I was never going to let you just die.”

“That's not your decision to make!” Bellamy shouts, frustrated and Clarke cries even harder. Bellamy doesn't feel bad at this point. He's exhausted with Clarke and the the fate of the world these days. “That's my sister up there!” 

“I know,” Clarke says weakly. “ I couldn't think about anything else. I just realized when we got back up there that you were in the middle of the battle and I ceased the opportunity to save you and our people.”

“Not all of them,” Bellamy hissed. “Some of our people are still up there. Kane is up there. Miller is up there. Jackson is up there. Octavia is up there, Clarke!”

Clarke wipes her eye with her right hand. “I know,” she sniffs. “I know, Bellamy. It's all I've thought about since I closed the door.”

“Then let me go back up there,” Bellamy pleads. He knows Clarke Griffin's mind is a puzzle but he knows that when it comes to him, she listens to reason. He realizes that Jaha was right – they do keep each other centered and on balance. It's why they're so drawn to each other. It's why he can't hate her after she'd left him, nor even now can he hate her like he should do. 

Clarke snaps out of it, and raises the gun. “I can't.”

“You're not going to shoot me, Clarke,” Bellamy says to her. “If you really were, you would have done it by now. But I know you. You never kill unless you have to.”

“How do you know?” Clarke asks. “How do you know I wouldn't kill you, Bellamy? I'm capable of almost anything.”

“You might think that, but I know better. You can't and you won't shoot me. You can end all of this now. Put the gun down, Clarke.”

“No.”

“Clarke,” he tries again.

“No!” she growls and he flinches. Her sad exterior has changed to one of frustration and anger as the tears continue to fall. He's never seen her so broken and it makes him ache because he knows how it feels. He knows how it feels to be devoid of emotion, to pretend you don't feel anything to dull the ache that exists within you. It never worked. The guilt, the anger, the exhaustion...it catches up with you eventually until you realize you have to bare your sins and learn from them to do better in the future. 

“I can't!” she exclaims. “Don't you get that? I can't let you do that, and maybe it's the most selfish thing in the world, but I can't! I can't lose you, Bellamy I need you so much. You promised me you'd live with me – if I'm on that list, you're on that list. That's what you said to me! You can't leave now Bellamy, I won't let you die in vain when we don't know what's on the outside.”

“I never promised you anything,” Bellamy grits out. “The list was for practicality, Clarke. A way for me to make sure you understood you deserved to live and be on the list. You can't decide for me.”

“I already have,” Clarke tells him. “ It's over. I'm sorry, Bellamy.”

“No. It's fucking not.” Bellamy moves up the stairs and he moves to the door. 

“Bellamy!” Clarke yells. Her gun follows his movement.

“I'm getting her back! I don't care, I have to know.”

No. Clarke drops her gun. She can't let him do that. In a fit of adrenaline, Clarke runs up the stairs and lunges at him. Bellamy, being stronger, manages to grab her arms and pin them above her head while she's pinned against the wall. “Like I said, I'm not leaving her.”

Clarke stares back at him, tears flowing as she realizes that this is a battle she can't win.

"No," she murmurs weakly.

"I'm leaving, Clarke."


End file.
